Journals57
Newest
Very important personal update!
2 min read
The few of you who have me on Facebook might know this already, but I want all of you to know, so please read.
About a month ago I was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder - transsexualism to be more specific. I'm probably getting started on testosterone this month, and having chest surgery later this year. Getting your diagnosis here in Sweden takes at least one year, so I spent last year in counseling, and I've thought it over very well. You people already know that I used to identify as androgyne/intergender since a few years, and well, after I came out with that I started thinking even more about my gender identity and yeah. I know who I am now. It's very hard to go through, but it feels amazing as well.
What this means for you all is that I need you to refer to me as male from now on. That's who I am, and have always been, I just needed time to figure it out. I know I'm not even active here, but I really wish to be sometime in the future - when, I do not know. Meanwhile, I still consider many of you my friends, and I want you to know when something this big happens in my life. I hope you're interested, as well.
Love you guys - I actually think about some of you quite regularly. I hope you're all doing well.
About a month ago I was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder - transsexualism to be more specific. I'm probably getting started on testosterone this month, and having chest surgery later this year. Getting your diagnosis here in Sweden takes at least one year, so I spent last year in counseling, and I've thought it over very well. You people already know that I used to identify as androgyne/intergender since a few years, and well, after I came out with that I started thinking even more about my gender identity and yeah. I know who I am now. It's very hard to go through, but it feels amazing as well.
What this means for you all is that I need you to refer to me as male from now on. That's who I am, and have always been, I just needed time to figure it out. I know I'm not even active here, but I really wish to be sometime in the future - when, I do not know. Meanwhile, I still consider many of you my friends, and I want you to know when something this big happens in my life. I hope you're interested, as well.
Love you guys - I actually think about some of you quite regularly. I hope you're all doing well.
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ohai.
1 min read
OH MY GOD I'M ALIVE.
I've just got Windows 7 and my computer can now hande deviantART, plus I started drawing again. I currently have 10,729 messages/deviations to go through, and I will go through them all before I start posting and commenting, but yeah. I'll be back~ Oh, and I'm deleting a LOT of people from my watchlist as I go, but don't worry, if we've talked, like, EVER, you're most probably safe.
...does anyone remember me at all btw?
I've just got Windows 7 and my computer can now hande deviantART, plus I started drawing again. I currently have 10,729 messages/deviations to go through, and I will go through them all before I start posting and commenting, but yeah. I'll be back~ Oh, and I'm deleting a LOT of people from my watchlist as I go, but don't worry, if we've talked, like, EVER, you're most probably safe.
...does anyone remember me at all btw?
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First of all, I apologize to anyone who hasn't received a reply about anything from me. I've been even worse than usual at replying on here lately. Extra big apologies to Cedars and Cassie.
I wish I could say that I'm working on getting back on here, as I always do when I update my journal, I really wish I could. But I'm starting to realize that I really have no idea when that'll actually happen. School started almost two months ago, but I can't say I've been very busy with it, it's a slacker school really. I've been pretty damn depressed again though, because as usual I fail at making friends. However, the last few days I've been hanging out with this really nice dude. For the first time in more than a year I've met someone new who actually seems to give a fuck about me, and while I was planning to spend my lonely lunch breaks trying to catch up on here, I've very much decided against that now. People who actually seem to enjoy talking to me irl come along maybe once every 3 years, so hey, my energy's now going towards trying to get to know this guy - and possibly some more people - for real.
I'm on MSN evey day, so if anyone actually wants to talk to me, that's where to do it atm. Ask for it if you're interested. I do miss a lot of the people I used to know on here (no one mentioned, no one forgotten), I just don't have any time or energy to put into an art community right now.
So, what's new.. I've started playing Aion. I still play Maple as well, mainly to keep in touch with some people on there. I've started drawing more again. I ordered a BJD almost a month ago; waiting for him to arrive is driving me insane. I got his tiny little shoes and some other stuff last week, which made waiting even harder. He's a Leekeworld Min (www.leekeworld.com/En/Product/…), for anyone interested, and his name will be Morgan. Getting him might be the kick my ass needs to start posting here again, too bad for you all that in that case it'll be BJD photos. Other than that.. I don't know. I'd ask how you guys are doing, but people barely ever respond to that anyway. Meh.
I wish I could say that I'm working on getting back on here, as I always do when I update my journal, I really wish I could. But I'm starting to realize that I really have no idea when that'll actually happen. School started almost two months ago, but I can't say I've been very busy with it, it's a slacker school really. I've been pretty damn depressed again though, because as usual I fail at making friends. However, the last few days I've been hanging out with this really nice dude. For the first time in more than a year I've met someone new who actually seems to give a fuck about me, and while I was planning to spend my lonely lunch breaks trying to catch up on here, I've very much decided against that now. People who actually seem to enjoy talking to me irl come along maybe once every 3 years, so hey, my energy's now going towards trying to get to know this guy - and possibly some more people - for real.
I'm on MSN evey day, so if anyone actually wants to talk to me, that's where to do it atm. Ask for it if you're interested. I do miss a lot of the people I used to know on here (no one mentioned, no one forgotten), I just don't have any time or energy to put into an art community right now.
So, what's new.. I've started playing Aion. I still play Maple as well, mainly to keep in touch with some people on there. I've started drawing more again. I ordered a BJD almost a month ago; waiting for him to arrive is driving me insane. I got his tiny little shoes and some other stuff last week, which made waiting even harder. He's a Leekeworld Min (www.leekeworld.com/En/Product/…), for anyone interested, and his name will be Morgan. Getting him might be the kick my ass needs to start posting here again, too bad for you all that in that case it'll be BJD photos. Other than that.. I don't know. I'd ask how you guys are doing, but people barely ever respond to that anyway. Meh.
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Something shorter.
2 min read
Because I hate having long, whiny journals on my front page, so I guess I'll just make a shorter, somewhat whiny one instead. So, two things.
My birthday's August 4th, that's uh.. Sometime next week. I'm really not expecting anyone to give me anything, but I would be really happy if someone at least remembered it, because the last 7 or so years there have never been more than a maximum of two people other than my family even congratulating me. Take that as my official birthday wish.
Also, as the one thing people keep telling me is to "go out and make friends", I guess I gotta do something, because hey, they do have a point even if it's always been REALLY hard for me to do. I'm planning to just try being more sociable with the people I know to start with (eg actually talking to them instead of opening up a chat window on MSN and staring at it until they log out, or actually asking people to grind with me on Maple). This is gonna be really hard for me, I'm already scared. Yes seriously. I guess I'll just have to tell myself that if they still have me on MSN/their Maple BL, there gotta be SOME interest.
Oh lovely, this got twice as long as intended. At least it's less whiny. I'm really not doing better at all yet, but I'll try to.
How are you people?
Really, tell me.
My birthday's August 4th, that's uh.. Sometime next week. I'm really not expecting anyone to give me anything, but I would be really happy if someone at least remembered it, because the last 7 or so years there have never been more than a maximum of two people other than my family even congratulating me. Take that as my official birthday wish.
Also, as the one thing people keep telling me is to "go out and make friends", I guess I gotta do something, because hey, they do have a point even if it's always been REALLY hard for me to do. I'm planning to just try being more sociable with the people I know to start with (eg actually talking to them instead of opening up a chat window on MSN and staring at it until they log out, or actually asking people to grind with me on Maple). This is gonna be really hard for me, I'm already scared. Yes seriously. I guess I'll just have to tell myself that if they still have me on MSN/their Maple BL, there gotta be SOME interest.
Oh lovely, this got twice as long as intended. At least it's less whiny. I'm really not doing better at all yet, but I'll try to.
How are you people?
Really, tell me.
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Back. Not feeling well. orly how rare.
3 min read
Got home from London yesterday evening. Had a good time, wish I could had stayed longer than 4 days. Gonna need a while to catch up with the 10 or so pages of new deviations you fuckers uploaded while I was away.
I've been feeling really down since I got home. Being away for a while, even a few days, was super nice. Now I'm back to sitting in my room every damn day, hating myself because I don't understand why everyone else seem to hate me. I have very few friends, there are only like 5 people I even dare start conversation with, and only one is Swedish. (Hello jamdot.) I really can't make myself ask anyone to hang out anymore, because no one ever wants to. I'm sick of being rejected.
I got to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen in over a year last week. It felt good, but I still can't get over the fact that I tried to set up meetings with her like 3 times the past year and every time she was just like "sure I'll see which day works best" and then I never heard from her. Makes me wonder if she just wanted to hang out last week because we went to get my industrial done and she's really interested in bodymods.
I swear if I killed myself (theoretically, I'm not really suicidal) the only people who attended my funeral would be my grandparents, my mum, maybe some of my mum's friends, and jamdot I guess. I really can't think of anyone else who would care enough, except maybe a few people who wouldn't be able to because they live too far away.
I don't give a fuck if I'm annoying or sound lame right now, because I haven't felt so unwanted ever in my life. If I was brutally beaten and raped and left in the street without my keys and mum was away so I couldn't get home, there is NO ONE I would dare call and ask if I could stay the night, or even expect a few encouraging words from. I might be able to convince myself to call jamdot if I felt like I was really dying if I didn't. As much as I've tried to be there for other people, I don't get how this is happening to me. Just typing it out puts me on the verge of crying.
This obviously isn't me trying to tell you all that you suck, because you people who live abroad can't do much anyway. I just wish I had someone who was at all interested in talking to - and maybe even seeing - me occasionally. Instead I just spend my time watching everyone hang out with everyone else, and checking on my MSN settings a few times every day to see if the people I actually care about have deleted me yet. I'm sick of it, so goddamn sick of it you have no idea.
I've been feeling really down since I got home. Being away for a while, even a few days, was super nice. Now I'm back to sitting in my room every damn day, hating myself because I don't understand why everyone else seem to hate me. I have very few friends, there are only like 5 people I even dare start conversation with, and only one is Swedish. (Hello jamdot.) I really can't make myself ask anyone to hang out anymore, because no one ever wants to. I'm sick of being rejected.
I got to hang out with a friend I hadn't seen in over a year last week. It felt good, but I still can't get over the fact that I tried to set up meetings with her like 3 times the past year and every time she was just like "sure I'll see which day works best" and then I never heard from her. Makes me wonder if she just wanted to hang out last week because we went to get my industrial done and she's really interested in bodymods.
I swear if I killed myself (theoretically, I'm not really suicidal) the only people who attended my funeral would be my grandparents, my mum, maybe some of my mum's friends, and jamdot I guess. I really can't think of anyone else who would care enough, except maybe a few people who wouldn't be able to because they live too far away.
I don't give a fuck if I'm annoying or sound lame right now, because I haven't felt so unwanted ever in my life. If I was brutally beaten and raped and left in the street without my keys and mum was away so I couldn't get home, there is NO ONE I would dare call and ask if I could stay the night, or even expect a few encouraging words from. I might be able to convince myself to call jamdot if I felt like I was really dying if I didn't. As much as I've tried to be there for other people, I don't get how this is happening to me. Just typing it out puts me on the verge of crying.
This obviously isn't me trying to tell you all that you suck, because you people who live abroad can't do much anyway. I just wish I had someone who was at all interested in talking to - and maybe even seeing - me occasionally. Instead I just spend my time watching everyone hang out with everyone else, and checking on my MSN settings a few times every day to see if the people I actually care about have deleted me yet. I'm sick of it, so goddamn sick of it you have no idea.
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